And here it is:

Take him out back and beat the crap out of him

OR…….

What’s wrong with saying…… John, you seem to be bothered by so many trivial things. Why is that?

or

John, you’ve used your whining credits for this month

or

John, maybe this isn’t the place for you to work with all these policies and rules.

or

I could email you a picture of my cap that says “Are You Done Whining?” You can make a joke of it and when he or someone whines you can hand them the picture. Make copies of it. You can have a contest. The one with the most copies of the picture each month has to buy the Virtual Friday Office Bagel Platter from One Less Meal, Inc. operators of The Double D Diner: The World’s Only Virtual Diner Fighting Hunger

As I hit the button to post my answer I thought to myself………..Why not? This could actually be fun. Why not turn what is becoming an unhappy employee experience for some into something good for others.

So over there —->  is a picture of the hat. Feel free to download it and copy it.

And if you have one or two whiners in your midst, you now have a little fun new initiative to implement. I’d like to say I wish The Double D didn’t have to get a donation because of some annoying people you work with, but hey, let’s turn something negative, trying, and tiresome into something fun while adding a bit of social good.

Now of course, it is Friday, and you could retroactively collect payment and make that donation anyway.

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I get asked all the time by managers, employees, etc how to keep employees happy and motivated. I get asked by peers for my input on systems they are trying to develop/create to sell to clients seeking to increase employee motivation,

Now until someone comes up with a “one-size-fits-all” system, let me make life simple and tell you to click your heels together and walk over to your nearest HR Department, your own file cabinet or search the device from which you are reading this post.

Your employee records have your answers. Not some software. Not some metric. Your files. Go back to the very beginning and take a look at those notes you took during the interview process.

• What excited you about that employee?
• What opportunity did you see for that employee?
• What is that employee working on now as compared to what was promised and discussed back then?

You already have the power. You already know the answers. Get that person doing the things that were discussed and you’ll see employee motivation soar. Get that person doing the things that had you fearful of losing this person because your hiring process takes longer than childbirth (from conception to delivery).

And maybe watch this video clip to answer a few more things that might be challenging you:

Of course this MAD TV parody might be more like your workplace; getting pissed off when information is not used/shared properly. (Beware if you’re easily offended)

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They never called.

The nonprofit I founded has internship openings. Yep, The Double D Diner: The World’s Only Virtual Diner Fighting Hunger is looking for college interns. 4 students reached out to me and sent their resume. I set appointments up with all 4 of these people to have a Skype conversation. I didn’t want to call it an interview and to be really honest I had no intention of reading their resume until after we talked. There were few enough people who responded and it offered me the luxury to really learn about them; not the glorification that resume folks and career counselors suggest to make you look god-like.

I ”met” with one. The other three either didn’t show up or offered excuses like Internet was down in their house for 24 hours. Or they woke up with a head cold. Sorry, pathetic reasons. In this day and age I can find free wi-fi in a porta-potty. And “sorry for the last minute cancel” email 3 minutes before your appointment doesn’t fly.

So while asking for the job, the position, the interview or for help is the first step; it really isn’t a step at all. And while it might make someone feel proud that they moved forward; in the right direction, asking is pointless if you’re not going to follow through.

So if you really want the help, the meeting or the position, go beyond the ask. Follow through.

Or don’t waste people’s time.

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• Gift cards/certificates?
• Candy or fruit baskets?
• A gift for their child?
• Calendars?
• Candles?

Several years ago  I started thinking why clients hire me? And after long hard thought I started giving subscriptions to Mad Magazine as my thanks to clients for allowing me to work with their teams.

Yes, I read Mad Magazine. It’s really much more exciting than Time. And it consistently offends people. Seriously folks, in Europe there have been boobs on magazine covers for 20 years. The only boobs we see on magazine covers here in the U.S. are celebrity and political messes.

But here is what I have found out about that subscription to Mad:

• It’s like auto-pilot for relationship building/marketing. Every couple of months that magazine arrives and they think of me. I didn’t have to worry about staying in touch; putting something on my calendar; which we all know is hard given everything else we are trying to accomplish. Amazing how those relationship building items get dropped to the bottom of to-do lists.
• There is usually some article or funny parody in the current issue that relates to a client of mine. All of a sudden there is an email from me to them or them to me. We’ve got an exchange. We’re laughing. I’m learning more about what is going on in their business so I can continue to be a resource for them. I’m also on their radar. Because let’s face it; more often than not we are forgotten 30 seconds after we leave a client site.
•  I believe that when a client hires you it is because they already feel a connection and they feel you are a good fit. Most clients hire people they can relate to. I’m not a candle person. My client probably is not either. My clients hire me because they are looking for a little fun with purpose. How do I keep giving them that after I walk out the door in addition to my newsletter and normal marketing ideas?

Now I’ve got Mad Magazine covered. (You can go give Time.) But the next time you’re thinking about client relationships and thank you gifts give it some deeper thought. Give them something they probably don’t ever receive; but something that will connect the two of you on another level. Take a short Recess with your staff today and come up with some relationship/thank you ideas that won’t require a lot of time later – and will be fun. The investment of time today will make your lives easier tomorrow.

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I had just deplaned from the first leg of the red-eye back to CT from the west coast. I needed coffee. I was also hungry. One of the three workers offered to take my order. He also read the “Are You Done Whining” embroidered on the front of my cap and remarked how he needed to get one for his wife. I chuckled. The woman working with him informed me she was his wife. The two of them then proceeded to go off on a back and forth banter. It was quite amusing. It was also clear they were not married. It was very clear they had done this little routine before and I was appreciative of the fact that at 5:00 AM in the morning – on a Saturday – someone wanted to amuse their customers. So I played along for a few moments. I grabbed my coffee and bagel, thanked them for the early morning fun, and told them to keep up that routine; travelers will appreciate it.

Sitting in the terminal trying to keep my eyes open I was suddenly awakened by a shrieking voice. It was probably the highest pitch, whiniest voice I had ever heard. EVER! In contrast to that deep voice I describe in my Permission To Speed program.

Her day had just been totally ruined. The people at the bagel store got her order wrong. This “husband” and “wife” were so busy arguing that they couldn’t even get a bagel order right. What idiots they were. She ordered this type of bagel and they gave her that one. They over-toasted it. The Shrieker was beyond crazed. Her boyfriend/husband/travel partner was listening to her go off. I was thinking “could you please duct tape that shriek.” Then he made the remark that didn’t surprise me at all. He said “What do you expect from people who can only get a job in a bagel store in the airport?”

Ouch. Judging people based on their job. At this point I looked to my left. I needed to see what these two looked like. They spent the next ten minutes trashing the lowlife scum who worked in the O’Hare bagel store. I should have gotten up and moved to another terminal (I’m not kidding about the voice), but I was exhausted from being up almost twenty-four hours.

There was a dog in the terminal. The dog was going to be on my flight. Hooray! I love dogs. This dog was small enough to fit in a carrier under the seat in front of the passenger; although I think dogs should be allowed to purchase a seat. It was a cute dog. I mustered up enough strength to go meet the dog. I forgot the dog’s name. Hey, it was 5:45 in the morning. Hey dog owners, did you ever notice we ask people their dog’s name but not their name?

About midway between Chicago and Hartford this sudden odor traveled forward from the back of the small regional commuter plane. Yep, Rover had an accident. Looks like it was going to be an interesting remaining hour on the plane. Perhaps we will get to use the oxygen masks that pop out of the ceiling? Not that I ever want to have a need for them, but how do we really know they will pop out of the ceiling if a sudden change of cabin pressure occurs?

Well as quick as the odor came, the odor went. Wow! Obviously the pet owners have experienced this before. Cleanup and disposal happened in a heartbeat.

Something else also happened in a heartbeat. That voice came back; this time going on and on about how animals shouldn’t be allowed on planes and how this wasn’t fair to the rest of us, and that she was going to call the airline when she returned home. Now what really wasn’t fair to the rest of us was being subjected to that voice. The emergency exit was looking like a viable alternative at this moment. That would be me jumping out, not pushing her out. Anything to escape the shriek three rows ahead of me in seat 4C. She eventually quieted down. I got one of those glances across the aisle from the guy next to me; one of those thank god she shut up. I’m really not kidding about the voice. I would go to a doctor and get it fixed – at all cost. I would hold a fundraiser if need be.

The flight landed uneventfully – no more shrieking or pooping.

Standing at the luggage carousel in Hartford I saw them – good thing I took that mental note. Believe it or not she was going on about the bagel again. I grabbed my luggage. As I walked by them I couldn’t resist………………………………time to have some fun………………….

I said to them, “You know, those people are the owners of that entire bagel chain and you should SEE the house they live in.”

Was it the truth? Who knows? Who cares? But couldn’t it be?

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• Drag queen
• Transvestite
• Dressing like a woman
• Started hormones
• Was never comfortable as a man
• Why do gay people feel they need to tell everyone they are gay, I don’t tell everyone I am straight. Is it part of a cause. I don’t really care if you’re gay or not.

I was standing there amused. The guy sitting behind me was trying so hard not to bust out laughing. Even the redneck was enjoying Big Brand Coffee Shop theater.

But when one of the employees recited these words the 6 of us just could do nothing to control the laughter. His words “I don’t need to tell anyone I’m gay. The minute I open my mouth there’s no question.”

So was this an inappropriate conversation to be having in front of customers? I’m almost betting that those corporate folks would not be happy. Diversity, blah, blah blah. But this afternoon 3 customers had a different type of Big Brand Coffee Shop experience that was even better than my Caramel Macchiatto – which was very delicious.

As I grabbed my drink I turned to the girl and told her I would have never guessed her for being straight. The laughter continued. I love seeing employees and customers laughing together. Makes me want to return.

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$6.50 to ship. 2 hours of time and $10 gas to pick up.

Now re-read the title. The answer is pretty simple. Right?

Pay for it to be shipped!

Not so fast my friends………….

• Or drive down to meet the online vendor you purchased from and learn more about them
• Or drive down and see what other goods and services your vendor has available; the ones you overlooked as you were frantically trying to tackle the immediate need
• Or drive down and determine if you could use that vendor as an extension of your program, marketing, creative or idea team
• Or drive down to meet the employees of your vendor and see how eager they are to share their excitement about projects and how they can help you further
• Or drive down because taking a little Recess to get out of the office and connect with people is how relationships are forged
• Or drive down and perhaps become a resource for them
• Or drive down so you can get ice cream or candy and bring it back to the office!

Time is money. Yes it is. But are there instances where saving time might be costing you money when you should actually be investing time?

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Now continue reading.

I love the recent availability of envelope free ATM machines. And while they are a little slower than “shove deposit into envelope, insert into slot” they do help in the worldwide effort to be a “green” corporate citizen.

A couple of weeks ago I walked into an ATM vestibule and needed to endorse a check. No pens. Yep, when the envelopes were eliminated so were the pens. Although inside the TD Bank branch there are enough pens to stretch from one end of CT to the other – the long way.

So I did what any customer might do…..popped my head into the branch manager’s office, told her I love the new machine but mentioned how the pen would be “convenient.” They still have them at the ATM’s using envelopes.

Enthusiastically she said “That’s a great idea. I am going to bring it up at the regional manager’s meeting next week.” I just shook my head.

You see TD Bank brands itself as America’s Most “Convenient” Bank. Well if you’re going to brand yourself as “the most convenient” shouldn’t you be looking for new ways to make it even more convenient for me? What if it was after branch/store hours and I wanted to make the deposit? Haven’t we all had checks returned for not endorsing them?

So yesterday when I popped in to make a deposit at the window I was asked how I was today. I said I would be better if you made it convenient for me and put some pens in the ATM lobby.

I was given every reason why there aren’t any:

• We’re not allowed (So they’re going to fire you if you put some out there and test an idea?)
• We don’t have approval (if you need approval to put a pen outside and to make a customer’s life a bit more convenient that is just pathetic)
• People will take the pens. (You’ve got 6,000,000 inside)

Don’t get me wrong, I like TD Bank. They’ve actually provided me with one of the best banking experiences I have had in my lifetime. But when you brand yourself a certain way and leave yourself wide open to people challenging you on your brand statement, you shouldn’t need a manager’s meeting, a committee, 102 signatures or a test market to make your customers happy.

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Often times the great idea you have is already out there; in some form. That should not stop you. every idea is original when it has your fingerprints on it.

Right? (See bullet points above)

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Rich,

A couple months ago a friend forwarded me an article written by CNN & it talked about the best companies to work for.  My company was in the top 10.

I commented on the article how I loved working  there. I liked how management values your ideas & embraces your suggestions.  I said how I loved my co-workers as we all had similar values/goals with the company.  I said it was a great company to work for.

Don’t you know I was called into the office & reprimanded?? I had to sign some form saying I’d never do it again & if I did I could be fired!

What employer would not want people talking up a great PR moment? I just don’t get it. I’d be asking employees to share that information. Heck, I’d be having you sign forms and firing you if you didn’t! Especially in this environment where attracting and retaining good people is difficult, expensive and tedious.

In Diary of the Happiest Employee on Earth we read the following:

Week #30

Dear Diary,

This week’s directive: Please dedicate a few hours to Social Media. Please sign up for a Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and any other networking site that you can find. Share with others where you work, some of the ridiculous policies we don’t have, and have some fun talking about things that go on here. Go figure. The company sees and wants to seize the Social Media Opportunity. A few hundred people letting others know where we work and how great it is to work here. You think that might create interest in this company? In the products? And it’s so much easier to read on a 19” monitor versus a 2” phone screen hidden under the desk or off to the side.

Word of mouth is the new advertising. Don’t you love when customers talk about you? You should embrace employees talking about you as well. No, you should encourage it! Perhaps make it a part of the job description when opportunities arise.

Dear Employers (and especially you Mr. Top 10), when you are a great place to work people want to tell others. Let them!

————————————

Ever think of holding a story hour for your employees? Purchase 150 copies of Diary of the Happiest Employee on Earth and Rich DiGirolamo will visit your organization and talk about Employee Happiness, creating a thriving workplace, employees: the unused marketing machine, and so much more. Contact Rich to learn more. (Travel may apply.)

Don’t have 150 employees? They make great customer gifts. We can even reprint and include a custom message from you!

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